To survive the streets, you’ve got to turn your hands and feet into deadly weapons. No other form of self-defense can be trusted. Pepper spray has a better chance at making your taco delicious than taking down a mugger; a simple mirror can turn any of your laser weapons against you, and the ladies know what I’m talking about when I say that shotgun holsters don’t go with ANYTHING.

The following books teach the street smarts and deadly attacks that will transform you from a clueless victim wandering into dark alleys counting your money to a barely-contained whirlwind of death. Please be careful with the knowledge gained from this article, and use it only for justice. You see, every day, karate kills 87,000 people around the world.* Some experts say that this number may balloon to as high as a million billion before the year 2000, and that men, women, and children alike will soon only be categorized in two ways: “Karate Star” and “Hold on, what’s that in the bucket?” Do your part.

*This figure is based entirely on speculation by the author and the awesomeness of karate, which sounds a lot like this: “WaoooOOWATA!”

FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE! The Secrets of Street Fighting, 1982, By Dr. Ted Gambordella
In his foreword, Dr. Ted says that he does not advocate killing people, and his techniques are not to be used for murder. With that out of the way, he really lets you know how to turn someone’s crotch into oatmeal. And while I admit my street fighting experience is limited, a lot of Dr. Ted’s advice seems difficult to apply. For example, his defense against someone punching you in a parking lot is kicking them in the face, giving them a complicated judo throw and tearing their eyeballs out. If I could do all of that, I think I’d be a little too busy infiltrating Baron Von Terror’s satellite bunker to be reading a self-defense book. Maybe I’m thinking too much with my brain here, but it seems a little irresponsible to encourage a casual karate enthusiast into thinking he or she has the option to spinning-heel-kick the guns out of a team of ninjas’ hands and exploding their throats with a backflip fireball.

When Can You Apply It?
All of Dr. Ted’s situations take place in a strip mall parking lot where one or more people totally hate you. He shows you how to break someone’s knees or pubic bones during many types of attacks, and is thoughtful enough to end most of his advice with something like, “Stomp on their groin while waiting for help to arrive.” Dr. Ted hates groins – HATES them. If his book taught me one thing, it’s that you should never run away from a deadly situation when you have the option of maiming someone’s dong.

Defense Example:
If a thug grabs for your briefcase, pull him in and elbow him in the jaw. Then (and you probably knew this was coming) “smash a knee into his groin, knocking him into the ground, where you finish him off with a smashing heel stomp to his groin.” It ends there, but my own experimentation has found that opening and closing your briefcase on his groin while he’s unconscious keeps the attack light-hearted.

Looking Forward to Being Attacked, 1977, By Lt. Jim Bullard
Policeman Jim Bullard teaches that the key to self-defense is to love getting attacked. In fact, the title of his first chapter is, “You’ll Never Enjoy Being Attacked If You Don’t Change Your Attitude!” So get out there and really get excited about violent assault! He often refers to crippling combat maneuvers as “fun” or “cute.” His chapter, “Life Affords Few Pleasures That Can Equal The Striking of Vulnerable Areas!” will change the way you giggle when you put your fingers in people’s eyes. Not that you need me to point it out, but Mr. Bullard sounds a bit like a lunatic.

When Can You Apply It?
According to Jim, almost any time is a good time to jam your keys into someone’s throat. Of the dozens of situations he teaches you how to demolish your way out of, I’d say about three would be considered “attacks.” He shows you how to deal with a stranger choking you during a tennis game, grabbing hands that shoot out of men’s rooms, and people who sit too close to you at church. I can see how quick, decisive karate is the only option when faced with those horrors. But when Jim showed me how to break someone’s kneecap for standing in my sun while I’m on vacation, I thought that might be excessive. Plus, the four pages on how to kill your dentist should he ever turn evil could be a case of simple insanity – but after he mentions fighting off your dentist twice more in the book, that’s a little... let’s just say I’ll have a lead suspect should there ever be a series of missing dentists.

Defense Example:
If you’re at your favorite department store and a man starts hitting on you, Jim’s advice is, “Bend your knee against the back of his knee to break his balance while throwing your arm into his chest. He will go down with a bang and probably remain there in a crumpled heap. Off you go into the store screaming at the top of your voice.” I’m so glad I read this. I thought I was going to go crazy trying to figure out why every woman I flirt with flings me into the ground and tells nearby shoppers, “AAAAGHHHHHHH!”

Knives, Knife Fighting, & Related Hassles, 1990, By Marc “Animal” MacYoung
Marc is so far beyond tough that describing how tough he is would require every single letter in this sentence to be a grizzly bear with a chainsaw. By the time I finished his book, I was chewing steel and crapping bullets. Marc is a pansy’s worst nightmare in a ponytail, a headband and a tanktop that says “SH-T HAPPENS!” His love handles are totally Coors-fueled engines of destruction. Marc speaks so authoritatively on killing people with items found in a bar, that if you ever see someone dead for any reason other than Marc, check again.

When Can You Apply It?
Marc’s teachings can be applied to all aspects of life, such as how to disguise an ice pick like a wino bag and then “stick it in a stupid bitchass punk’s belly.” His writing style might be too colorful for the more sensitive readers, but I found that his use of profanity brought a refreshing new voice to the knife-fighting community.

Defense Example:
I’d like to quote from Marc’s philosophical foreword what may be the three toughest sentences ever typed: “Thing is, if you slither through the bushes sneaking up on a little brown guy with an AK-47, that’s the right attitude to have about knife fighting. In a honky tonk in front of a hundred witnesses, you can get into serious trouble for that kind of approach. I mean face it, you not only have to survive the incident, you have to be able to say afterwards to the authorities, ‘See? My d*ck’s clean!’”

Instant Self-Defense, 1965, By Bruce Tegner
Bruce Tegner is a holder of “The Black Belt” in Judo and Karate. He’s probably written at least three books about every martial art on the planet, but if you ask any serious martial artist, they’ll tell you these are terribly inaccurate. This is moot, though, since if you’re really talking to a serious martial artist, then by now he’s punched your heart out and, with a primal scream, sacrificed it to his savage karate gods.

When Can You Apply It?
Bruce’s techniques seem useful no matter where or how you’re attacked, but I especially liked Chapter 3: DEFENSES AGAINST ANNOYING ATTACK. It’s a series of painful holds and attacks you can use against your friends if they annoy you. Like if someone slaps you on the back to say hello, Bruce shows you how to break his arm. He’s even smart enough to suggest that you pretend you didn’t mean to, in case you want to remain friends with the person who used to be attached to the arm you’re holding.

Defense Example:
If one of your pals is leaning on you, Bruce suggests, “Next time he leans, dig into the side of his body just below the last rib, using the extended knuckle in a grinding motion. Grin as you grind – you are not trying to start a fight.” I assume that if my friend was to try for a full hug, I should jam a switchblade between his third and fourth ribs. This would puncture his lung and prevent him from screaming. Then I’d gently caress his hair as he bleeds out – I don’t want him to think I’m angry with him. Thanks, Bruce!