A Friend in the Diamond Business?
John Newlin
The Shane Company has long been telling us how great a company they are and how they’re our friends. At the end of every commercial, right when we’re freaking out about buying just the right diamond, the commercial announcer puts our minds and hearts at ease with a simple slogan, “Now YOU have a friend in the diamond business.” Let’s be honest: It IS refreshing.
So I called our friends in the diamond business, as any friend would, and confided in them to see how deep our friendship ran.
THE FIRST CALL
The Shane Company: Good afternoon, thank you for calling the Shane Company.
John: Hey, it’s me.
SC: Hello?
John: It’s me, John. What are you doing?
SC: Uh, who are you trying to call?
John: You, silly! Duh.
SC: And who is that?
John: You don’t know who you are? Ha ha ha.
SC: I think you have the wrong number.
John: You’re my friend in the diamond business, right?
SC: Oh. [pause] Yes, what can I do for you?
John: Nothing. I’m just calling to see what you’re up to. That’s all.
[Long, long pause]
[Click]
THE SECOND CALL
The Shane Company: Good afternoon, thank you for calling the Shane Company.
John: Hi!
SC: Hello.
John: What’s up?
SC: Working. How can I help you?
John: What are you doing this weekend?
SC: Do I know you?
John: Of course you do. We’re buds.
[Pause]
SC: Are you sure we know each other?
John: Uh huh.
SC: From where?
John: I think I’ll stay in this weekend. That new John Travolta flick is finally out on video. I can’t wait to see it again. What about you?
[Click]
THE THIRD CALL
The Shane Company: Good afternoon, thank you for calling the Shane Company.
John: Hey!
SC: Hello. How may I assist you?
John: What’s goin’ on?
SC: Good.
John: Whatcha doing?
SC: Working. How can I assist you?
John: You can tell me how your New Year’s Eve was!
SC: It was great.
John: Sorry I couldn’t make it to hang out with you. It’s been so long since we had a chat.
SC: This line is reserved for business chat only.
John: Oh. I’m sorry. We’re still friends, right?
SC: Friends?
John: Yeah.
SC: I am sorry.
John: Why are you sorry? As long as we’re friends, there’s nothing to be sorry about.
[Pause]
SC: I am not sure who this is?
John: It’s me. John — your friend.
SC: I don’t think I know you?
John: Yes you do. You’re MY friend in the diamond business.
SC: Okay. I’ve got stuff to do.
John: Hello?
[Click]
THE FOURTH CALL
The Shane Company: Good afternoon, thank you for calling the Shane Company.
John: Hey, what’s going on?
SC: Nothing.
John: What are you up to?
SC: Working.
John: Working hard?
SC: Yeah, I guess.
John: That’s cool. I haven’t talked to you in a while.
SC: Who is this?
John: This is John. We’re friends.
SC: John. John Jr.?
John: Yeah. Sure, why not?
SC: Why are you calling me at work?
John: I just wanted to say hi. Besides, you’re my friend in the diamond business.
[Long pause]
SC: Okay… I’ve gotta go now.
John: So, what’s up?
SC: Nothing. Like I said, I’ve got to go.
John: But wait….
[Click]
THE FIFTH CALL
The Shane Company: Good afternoon, thank you for calling the Shane Company.
John: Hey! This is John.
SC: Good evening, John.
John: Are you my friends in the diamond business?
SC: I hope so!
John: Phew!
SC: What can I do for you today?
John: But are you my friend?
[Pause]
SC: That’s what our commercials say!
John: Good.
SC: And we wouldn’t lie to our customers... a BIG NO-NO!
John: But are you REALLY my friend?
SC: It’s my job to be your friend.
John: Great, because I’m kind of lonely. What are you doing this weekend?
[Pause]
SC: I’m going to an art show.
John: Really? Which one?
SC: Native American art.
John: Ooh. That sounds fun. Wanna get some brewskis afterward, friend?
SC: No.
John: No? What kind of friend are you?
SC: Goodbye, John.
[Click]
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