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Keeping the Skies Stupid
True takes of security retardation from airline personnel who obviously rode the short bus.
By Seanbaby
The combination of a massive increase in airport security and a serious drop-off in the number of dangerous hijackers has forced airport security to invent their own criminals. Ordinary, non-murdering people with toenail clippers and staplers are being harassed, making most trips to the airport tortuous interrogations. With up to four slow moving lines and four opportunities to have a stranger paw through your suitcase, it’s now almost faster to take a skateboard than fly. Checkpoints are so strict with what you have to run through the X-ray machine that they’ve turned into a place where hundreds of half-naked people are trying to grab their own stuff out of a huge pile of recently irradiated plastic baskets.
The following are true stories of recent airline security retardation. However, we’ve gone further than point fingers and laugh. Each of the reports features a “How to Prevent this Type of Stupidity in the Future” section describing novel and inventive ways future generations can be spared from our insane combination of paranoia and idiocy.
 GI Joe: Real American Arms Smuggler
Judy Powell, a 55-year-old British tourist, was bringing a GI Joe doll that she’d purchased from a Las Vegas gift shop home to her grandson. But before you say, “That sounds like a very sweet lady,” you should know this: The toy was smuggling a two-inch plastic rifle inside her luggage. Luckily, the crack squad of security agents at Los Angeles International Airport were able to discover the conspiracy and detain the woman and her tiny accomplice. According to her, they “examined the toy as if it was going to shoot them” and then confiscated his gun.
Disarming our nation’s bravest action hero is not going to save any lives except those of GI Joe’s enemies, miniature toy communists. The only way this grandmother could have done any damage would be if the plane was piloted by a baby and she somehow outsmarted it enough to get the choking hazard into its mouth. This is possible, but at least unlikely. Of course, they can’t take any chances after the recent incident involving an elderly woman who tied up a plane full of passengers with Stretch Armstrong and stormed the cockpit with a Johnny Astro.
Airline security agent is the only job where you can tell your boss that you stole part of a little kid’s present from his grandma and get a medal. There are people mopping bodily fluids off a bathroom floor that would lose their job for something HALF that stupid. GI Joe now has to fight the Red Menace with his canteen and teeth, and a spokesman for the airport is practically bragging about it: “We have instructions to confiscate anything that looks like a weapon or a replica. If GI Joe was carrying a replica, then it had to be taken from him.” I’m sure he then proposed a policy that would lobotomize all Lex Luthor action figures in an effort to keep his dangerous criminal intellect from endangering aircraft. I’d like to think he then slipped on a banana peel.
How to Prevent this Type of Stupidity in the Future:
In a perfect world, our safety would be in the hands of agents who could tell the difference between a real gun and a tiny, nonworking toy gun through simple clues. For example, noticing that one of them is two inches long and being held by a little army man. It makes sense that people shouldn’t be allowed to bring realistic fake guns on a plane, but the only hostages stupid enough to be taken with a rifle-shaped toothpick would be a plane full of airline security agents. “I represent the Middle-Aged Female People’s Republic, and I now have control of this plane! And before any of you try anything funny, I’d like to direct your attention to this Armalite rifle I’m pinching between my pinky and thumb. If you’re still not convinced, this Taco Bell Fun Meal contains several other weapons such as fire-breathing dinosaurs and Skeletor’s mighty Power Scepter!”
 For Our Safety, Woman Drinks Own Breast Milk
At Kennedy Airport, a security guard stopped a woman carrying a baby. When he searched her bags he found three bottles of her own breast milk and forced her to drink from them. It was part of a policy that allowed security to force passengers to drink any “beverage” they had with them.
This isn’t the first time their policy of making people drink all the fluids in their suitcase has backfired. A few months ago, a fourteen year old boy was bringing home a jar of pond water for a science project and airport security made him take a sip. He turned out to be telling the truth, that he in fact was not a fourteen-year-old terrorist water smuggler, and he got giardia a few days later. This helped prove that ingestion is not the safest way to test the danger of things. Most of us learned at a very young age that when trying to discover what something is, putting it in your mouth should be the last step in your research. Plus, this type of test would only work if security agents themselves were doing the tasting. I’m sure terrorists are quivering that our checkpoints might make them pretend their terror liquid is delicious coffee before they take over a plane. It’s pretty obvious that no one smuggling dangerous liquids on board is going to tell you that they’re drinking dangerous liquids. They might turn bright red and launch smoke out of their ears making teapot sounds after drinking it, but if airport security agents were trained to pick up subtle body language like that, fourteen-year-old kids wouldn’t be sitting at home with amoebic dysentery.
How to Prevent this Type of Stupidity in the Future:
If it makes our lives safer to have passengers drink anything they have in a jar, why not have them eat all their suspicious items? “Are these toenail clippers, sir? For safety reasons, you’re going to need to swallow them. And take a bite out of that hairbrush.” Maybe I’d be a bad soldier against terrorism, but if a woman carrying a baby and three jars of a mysterious milky substance were to come through a checkpoint I was guarding, I’d search my memory to see if I could think of any milky liquids that might sometimes be associated with babies. And if I was slow and the woman told me it was her breast milk, the last thing I would ever do is make her drink it in front of me. Gross. Besides, I know that anyone with an oversized super-mind capable of creating plane-destroying breast milk could easily install an atomic robot stomach in themselves. Forcing them to drink explosive milk would do no harm and only allow them to spit incredible fireballs. Perhaps because of this, most airlines have since changed their policy. Now the only thing passengers are forced to drink... is freedom.
 Disaster Averted: Boomerang Champion Arrested
A female boomerang champion, Betsylew Ross Miale-Gix, faces criminal charges after she was caught with several boomerangs at an airport checkpoint. When the screener noted that her deadly weapons were not allowed on the plane, she became enraged, started cursing and grabbed her bag from him. While she was detained by authorities for breaching the peace, she was kind enough not to annihilate the entire security force with her boomerangs.
The woman was the secretary of the U.S. Boomerang Association. And while I admit that a boomerang is probably the crappiest killing device you could have inside the confines of a plane, I’d still like to think the secretary of the U.S. Boomerang Association would be a valuable ally to have in case of a hijacking. The worst case scenario is that all these years of competitive boomeranging were really just an Al Qaeda trick to gain our trust so she could one day sneak a boomerang on board a plane. Big deal. If she were to throw it at you, the passenger next to you could just pick it up and throw it right back while you rubbed the bump on your head. Assuming she was boomerang-proof, it would still take two to three weeks to take over a plane that way.
How to Prevent this Type of Stupidity in the Future:
On September 11th, the terrorists took over the plane with box cutters. This is never going to work again. The next person who tries to take 200 hostages with anything less than a bazooka is going to end up stuffed in an airplane toilet with the American spirit’s boot buried in his ass. Airports are openly mocking us when they take away our combs, nail files or boomerangs. Here’s a good way to test the deadliness of an item: Imagine you’re holding it and a gorilla bursts into the room. Now decide whether to hold on to it or fight with your bare hands. If you have to think about it, it’s not deadly. Instead of taking away toiletries from innocent travelers, we ought to take every citizen in groups of 200 into gymnasiums. Then, while they’re trying to figure out what’s going on, we have a guy come in and try to take them all hostage with a fork. If they let him, those 200 people are no longer allowed to fly on planes.
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