My mission was to unravel the mystery of “alcopop,” malternative beverages, if you will. These strangely sweet, heavily trademarked drinks have been accused of spawning worldwide armies of glassy-eyed high teenage dipso maniacs who neglect their homework assignments to “chill” in the park with their “peeps” over a few Mike’s Hard Iced Teas, Smirnoff Ices or Bacardi Silvers.

My first hint that I was onto a touchy subject came when my usually tireless Bacardi public relations agent stopped returning my phone calls and emails. “Hi, this is Laura. I can’t take your call right now. Please leave a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible.”

WHAT THE HELL IS IN THESE THINGS, ANYWAY?
From the commercials and packaging, you’d certainly think that they contain liquor. Skyy Blue, Sauza Diablo and Stoli Citron all feature their liquor brand inspirations prominently on the label. The packaging imitates the packaging of well-established liquor brands.

But by now, you’ve probably read the small type. They’re actually malt beverages, i.e. beer bleached by filtration or, as I like to call it, “chemistry plus flavoring.” Looking for an alternative to beer but don’t want a martini or a glass of wine? If you’re between the age of 21 and 29, hundreds of millions of marketing dollars say you do.

So is there any reason for them to carry the brand of a particular type of liquor? Well, in some cases, yes. While declining to get into nitty-gritty manufacturing details, Jack Daniel’s Hard Cola Brand Manager Aaron Schleder says that his drink is flavored with Jack Daniel’s whiskey. “The flavoring is really Jack Daniel’s whiskey with the alcohol cooked off to create an alcohol-free flavoring.”

WHERE DID THEY COME FROM?
In a sense, all of these drinks come from the center of a Gordian knot of demographics, legislation, economics and public policy.

Since 1934, American distilleries had consented to a voluntary ban on television advertising of spirits. With a population bulge of potential new customers reaching legal drinking age in the next few years, distillers are starting to re-think this policy. Mothers Against Drunk Driving and the American Medical Association would prefer they didn’t.

Under the laws of many states, distilled spirits can only be sold in full-service liquor stores, while beer and wine can be sold in convenience and grocery stores. This limits the potential sales of spirits and makes it easier to buy beer and wine.

Then there’s tax policy. The public bias against distilled spirits has led to heavier federal taxation of distilled alcohol than wine or brewed malt alcohol.

It all really comes down to marketability. Jack Daniel’s Hard Cola couldn’t be advertised on television if it contained distilled Jack Daniel’s. Nor could it be sold in grocery stores in many states. The brilliant solution of distillers was to team with a major brewery, create a malt-based drink flavored and branded with one of their trademark products and distribute it through brewery distribution networks. It’s a stroke of genius, if you think about it.

Some anti-alcohol campaigners like the Center for Science in the Public Interest (CSPI) have even claimed that the distillers are merely using a loophole in TV advertising policy to promote their liquor brands, a claim that is dismissed by Jack Daniel’s Hard Cola Brand Manager Aaron Schleder. “Some brands might be looking at this as an opportunity to get on television, but we’re looking to sell a product. We believe in television advertising for our spirits’ brands and we’re going to continue (pursuing) that,” says Schleder.

According to George Hacker of the CSPI, “Booze merchants formulate the products and the design of their labeling and packaging specifically to appeal to people who don’t like the taste of alcohol, which includes teenagers. ‘Alcopops’ are gateway drugs that ease young people into drinking and pave the way to more traditional alcoholic beverages.”

While on the one hand MADD’s position on these new drinks seems to be a little less hysterical, the organization seems all too eager to adopt CSPI’s specious research as its own position.

MADD seems willing to grant the point that “alcohol is alcohol,” and that preventing spirits advertisements might not have a rational defense, but the organization has also been clamoring for congressional inquiries into television advertising of these drinks.

For MADD it seems to be an issue of whether the ads can be seen by kids and whether the advertisements appeal to those under the legal drinking age.

The problem is that the drinking age is a purely legal construct. Television programs that appeal to 19 year-olds are probably the ones that appeal to fully legal 21 year-old drinkers. Tastes and trends that appeal to 19 year-olds are the same tastes and trends that appeal to 21 year-olds. So it would stand to reason that it’s really not fair to accuse alcohol merchants of trying to ensnare children in a lifetime of chronic alcoholism when they’re legitimately trying to reach legal moderate consumers of the stuff.

It would be one thing if Sponge Bob Square Pants was constantly chugging Skyy Blue on Saturday mornings, but he’s not. Instead we get Dennis Leary sucking down Mike’s Hard Lemonade on cable, which may be even less plausible, but certainly isn’t “targeting underage drinkers.”

SMIRNOFF ICE Made by: Diageo, PLC The pitch: “Vodka with a twist.” Tastes like: Instant Crystal Light lemonade and vodka, sweet and rather manufactured tasting without a hint of fresh fruit flavor.

JACK DANIEL’S HARD COLA Made and distributed by: Brown Forman and Miller Brewing Co. The pitch: “Come as you are, whether that means a t-shirt and jeans or a bow tie and clown shoes. You won’t be judged either way.” Tastes like: Lightly carbonated cola that hints at whiskey without actually tasting like it. There are these rich sweet barrel flavors of cinnamon and vanilla that jump out, but no liquor on the nose and no burn in the tummy. Definitely a little on the sweet side, but not bad.

SKYY BLUE Made and distributed by: Miller Brewing Company The pitch: “A refreshing ultra premium malt beverage with a uniquely clean, crisp citrus taste.” Tastes like: Blue has a very dry nose with a hint of citrus and alcohol, definitely milder than a martini with a twist. It’s clear and lightly effervescent with a lot of lemon, orange and grapefruit citrus flavor and a medium sweet finish. It’s sweet enough that I can’t imagine polishing off three in a row.

SAUZA DIABLO Made by: Allied Domecq and Miller Brewing Co. The pitch: “Devilishly unique.” Tastes like: Hmmm. It looks like a margarita with a shot of soda water that a lot of ice melted into. It smells like a margarita with salt, citrus Gatorade or seawater with a squeeze of lime. The briny nose is a bit of a turnoff. On the upside, it’s not terribly sweet, so it’s more thirst quenching than a couple of the others. After a few sips it shows some satanic charm.

MIKE’S HARD LEMONADE Made and distributed by: Someone named Mike? The pitch: “The bad boy of hard lemonade.” Tastes like: Sour Patch Kids dissolved in gasoline.

BACARDI SILVER Made by: Bacardi USA and Anheuser Busch The pitch: “A clear malt beverage made with the flavors of Bacardi rum and citrus that features a crisp, refreshing taste.” Tastes like: Melted Daiquiri ice cream from Baskin Robbins, with a pleasing lemon-lime tartness and plenty of body in the mouth. A little sweet for my taste, but it certainly beats fumbling around with a 25 year-old drink book trying to figure out how to make a daiquiri.