When committing a crime, it’s important to consider the amount of risk you’re taking versus the job’s payoff. For example, writing something about your groin on the side of a government building is risky, but it can mean the difference between hundreds of strangers either knowing or not knowing important facts about your genitals and how the inhabitants of that government building should regard your private parts. What I’m trying to say is that depending on the groin, that crime could have a huge payoff, making any risk worth taking. Other illegal acts, not so much.

Each of the true crimes discussed here will receive a Risk and Payoff rating from 1 through 10 so you can quickly and mathematically see how great an idea they were. Although these ratings are sure to be an invaluable research tool for criminals in training, do not use them for evil. We here at The Wave Magazine do not condone crime, but simply enjoy it when it goes horribly wrong.

THE CHARGE: Intergalactic Shoplifting
In a daring heist, a 27-year-old man, Shaun Markey, shoplifted a Buzz Lightyear doll from a Hereford Woolworths store. After escaping from the store and eluding the employees on his tail, everything seemed to be going smoothly. But Buzz Lightyear’s computerized mind was starting to understand the situation, and starting to plan its move.

The Woolworths staff radioed the police, who alerted a dog-handling team in the area. Through the miracle of them being in the middle of something LESS important than chasing a man who stole a toy based on a 1996 movie, they began their search. Shaun was hiding out near a rugby club, and when the police were within earshot, the Buzz Lightyear doll shouted, “Buzz Lightyear, permission to engage!” Now, I know this is a world of magical possibilities where dreams come true, but if I was a cop chasing a shoplifter and the item he took started asking me for permission to engage him, I’m going to let it. Because I’m going to be running the other way. These policemen didn’t have that kind of sense, and went straight towards the sound of the toy’s voice. Shaun was apprehended, probably seconds before Buzz Lightyear was going to melt his Earth flesh off with some kind of fantastic space device.

Risk: 7/10
Although shoplifting a two-dollar toy doesn’t normally get a police dog-handling team called in, stores still have security guards, cameras, anti-theft devices and secret shoppers. Stealing a pack of gum is risky. Stealing a space hero who is actively trying to stop you as you escape is suicide. I know there’s a chance that the doll was simply malfunctioning, or this idiot couldn’t resist pressing the talking toy’s “TRY ME” button while he was hiding in the alley, but honestly, are either of those explanations even close to as rational as the idea that this toy is an actual intergalactic crime fighter?

Payoff: 1/10
What kind of darkness did this man live in if he had to have a Buzz Lightyear doll at any cost? Was this the final hole to be filled in his Toy Story collection? And if so, shouldn’t someone nearby have given him a wedgie fierce enough to prevent him from walking? It’s possible that his Princess Barbie was taken prisoner by his Lex Luthor toothbrush and he was only temporarily recruiting Buzz for a rescue operation. Barring that, there are simply not enough healthy things a grown man can do with a twelve-inch toy to justify turning to crime.

THE CHARGE: Animal Cruelty of an Insane Nature
Benny Zavala knew his 6-year-old daughter’s guinea pig was up to something. He called his neighbor over, who found him poking it with a knife. Benny told the neighbor that his daughter’s guinea pig was a robot placed there by government agents with a secret camera installed in the back of its head. I know what you’re thinking, government agents: “Benny Zavala knows every detail of my plan!” but it turns out that he was wrong.

The batsh*t crazy Zavala called his neighbor the next day to tell him he had pulled the guinea pig apart and found out that it wasn’t a robot with a camera in its head. It was just a guinea pig. His neighbor reported him to mental health officials, who reported him to the police, and now he faces three years for two counts of felony animal cruelty.

Risk: 9/10
Unless he’s also involved in your battle against government guinea pig spies, calling your neighbor after you massacre your daughter’s pet is a pretty sure-fire way to get caught. And even if you’re right, and it is a robot with a camera in the back of its head, think about it: The only thing that camera would be filming is the ass of a robot guinea pig. If the government wants to watch footage of guinea pig ass, I’m sure it’s for reasons of national security. And they’re highly trained enough to figure out that if the guinea pig ass video feed from your daughter’s hamster cage is suddenly cut off, someone knows too much.

Payoff: 7/10
Unless it’s swallowed some loose change, there are no financial benefits to tearing a guinea pig apart. But the satisfaction of knowing that the government isn’t spying on you with adorable robots... that might sparkle brighter than any jewel.

THE CHARGE: Animal Cruelty of a Way, Way Insane Nature
A serial horse penis mutilator has struck in Thurgoona for the fourth time in seven months. Yes, you read that right. This time the victim was Samuel, a six-year-old gelding, who is still being treated for his injuries. According to authorities, the mutilator has used the same technique for each attack. He places a rope around the horse’s yoo hoo and pulls it, causing... you know what? Let’s just leave it up to your imagination after I assure you that the horses would have much rather not had their genitalia near this psycho.

What could cause a man to do something like this? Well, according to Samuel’s owner, Lionel Loveless, “He is some sort of sick bastard.” Lionel then told reporters, “I would like to have one minute with him; it would be the longest minute of his life.” Strong words, but keep in mind that he’s threatening someone who mutilates horse penises. If one of someone’s hobbies is unspeakable crotch horror, you’re going to have a tough time upsetting them.

Risk: 8/10
After the third attack, the community in the area set up an organization called Horsewatch. And although it might not take a team of scientists to outsmart a few ranchers who’ve declared themselves the guardian angels of horse genitals, you’re going to be in a lot of trouble if they catch you. Criminals have rights, but I don’t think anyone’s going to argue too much if the cop that finds this one opens fire. The police captain will call the officer into his office and scream, “You’re a loose cannon, Fizketti! The mayor is not going to stand for any more of these lone wolf shootings from this precin- wait. What? He did what to four whats? Jesus Christ, I hope you washed your gun after you shot him.”

Payoff: 0/10
Despite what you might have heard, mutilating a horse penis yields surprisingly few rewards. Even if Imperiax’s horse-hating Moon Men one day conquer our planet and declare this activity as legal, it really doesn’t have much going for it.