The Amazing Celebrity Somethings-Turned-Singers
By Seanbaby
It’s no wonder how celebrities develop uncontrollable egos. With all the award shows and red carpet specials, it’s as if the media and the public form a giant mouth to be placed directly on the crotches of our hottest stars. This usually leads to celebrities refusing to perform until they get a precise brand of Bolivian ground baby facial cream delivered to their trailer, but even worse, they may decide that one genre of performance can’t contain their talent. And then they release an album. I mean, the California Raisin egos were so out of control that they went directly from being FOOD to performing Motown songs overnight. This temptation to switch mediums can be overwhelming, and I should know – after Maxim printed a tiny link to my website next to the words “Show me the FUNNY!”, the whirlwind of me-mania had me one signature away from releasing Seanbaby’s Songs To Dirty Line Dance To. I resisted, but the following men and women, whether they’re athletes, actors or wrestlers, did not possess the same iron will.
RATING SCALE CHART THING
Each former non-musician’s album will be rated on the following ingenious scale of Musical Ability. And riding on the buzz of its Bay Area Media Award in the category of Bar Graphs and Pie Charts, expect this bar’s hip-hop album to hit shelves in time for Christmas.
|
|
-3 Retroactively Ruins Former Career
-2 Hilarious Failure
-1 Embarrassing But Forgettable
0 Tolerably Talentless
1 Strangely Competent
2 Pretty Good for a Former Whatever!
3 A Transcendent Renaissance of Talent
|
|
HULK HOGAN (and the Wrestling Boot Band)
Album reviewed: Hulk Rules, 1995
According to Hulk Hogan’s autobiography, which I personally read twice for Hulkamania-related reasons, this album was inspired by the passing of a young Hulk Hogan fan. Hulk was so moved by his death that he and Jimmy “Mouth of the South” Hart wrote “Hulkster in Heaven.” In it, it draws parallels between Hulk’s life as a professional wrestler and the little boy’s fatal illness as seen in the line, “I used to tear my shirt, but now you’ve torn my heart!” And if you’re not crying by the time Hulk croons, “When the Hulkster comes to Heaven, we’ll tag up again!” then I hope you’re having a good time reading this from Hell, Joseph Stalin. Fun Heavenly Fact: After a brief poll of religious experts, this part of the song is widely seen as theologically inaccurate. I found that most people’s vision of Heaven is not a series of tag team championship matches starring the spirits of sick children and three hundred pound steroid abusers. Let’s hope they’re wrong.
Hulk Hogan padded the album with more upbeat songs like “Hulkster’s in the House,” which drops an atomic elbow of rock onto your face at the same time it thoughtfully warns you that Hulk Hogan is in your house. Another favorite is the two-minute-and-twelve-second “Beach Patrol” that describes a team of specialists whose mission is, if I understand the lyrics correctly, staring at women in bikinis on the beach. Hopefully, his duties as a patrolling voyeur won’t make things too awkward when he’s in a tornado cage match with cancer boy against the spirits of Ghandi and Michael Landon.
Sample Lyrics:
From the anthem, “I Want to Be a Hulkamaniac”: “I wanna be a Hulkamaniac! Have fun with my family and friends! Try to do good each and every day! Don’t give up nothin’ bad to say! Always go swimmin’ – with a buddy! Work real hard and always study!” That’s right, Hulk Hogan’s lessons on life travel with you even when you’re in the pool!
Musical Ability: 3
You might remember how back in the early days of video games, you could get so many points that your score would flip from 999,999 back to 0, meaning that performing too well may actually cause you to fail miserably. The opposite of this phenomenon is the case with Hulk Rules. It is so bad in so many ways, that it actually flips the scoreboard in reverse to achieve an impossible level of greatness.
JOEY LAWRENCE
Album reviewed: Joey Lawrence
Joey Lawrence’s debut album, Joey Lawrence, rode on the cultural tidal wave that was TV’s Blossom to make it to #74 on Billboard. It’s the sort of generic pop you’d expect from a teen heartthrob, which is to say it’s a whiny falsetto over what sounds like a karate fight between 30 kinds of drums and a synthesizer. I’d describe Joey Lawrence as a New Kids on the Block type of sound with a little bit less of the “I was recently the victim of a groin attack” pitch in his voice.
Sample Lyrics:
From his Top 20 hit, “There’s Nothing My Love Can’t Fix”: “There’s nothing my love can’t fix your ya babeeeeeaahghh-agghhhh-ahhhh-ahh.” Judging by that line, I either accidentally reviewed the Joey Lawrence Funny Noises Outtakes Album, or at the end of the first chorus, something is crawling down Joey’s throat and doing its best to kill him.
Musical Ability: 0
It’s not much better or worse than all the music anyone who isn’t a preteen girl already hates, and it’s not like a bad music career would have tarnished a reputation built on the catchphrase, “Whoa!” Still, I feel that the Musical Ability Bar might be unfairly affected by Joey’s dreaminess. Because even though the Musical Ability Bar and I are both happily heterosexual, neither of us dare look directly at the glorious heartthrobbingness of the full body fold out poster of Joey contained in the CD’s liner.
SHAQUILLE O’NEAL
Album reviewed: Shaq Fu - Da Return
Of his five albums, I chose to review his second release, Shaq Fu - Da Return. Why? Because this album, named after the fictional style of martial arts that this NBA champion-musician-feature-film-actor invented that would later inspire the creation of two video games, is what finally made me say, “Holy shit, this man can do ANYTHING.” After carefully listening to it, I would say it’s better than his work in that movie where he played the huge genie, but not as good as the unbeatable champion of athlete-performed music, the “Superbowl Shuffle.” Also, the liner notes filled with pictures of Shaq dressed like a ninja add an aura of deadly frontflipping mysteriousness to the album.
Sample Lyrics:
From the beginning of “Mic Check 1-2” featuring Ill Al Skratch: “Al set it off! Hey yo, Ill, you set it off! Hey yo, Shaq set it off! Hey yo, Al you set it off. Hey yo, Shaq you set it off! Hey yo, Ill you set it off. Hey yo, Shaq set it off! I’ll set it off.” Here’s some advice for rappers in the future: There’s something about a group of people trying to argue their way out of setting it off that doesn’t inspire confidence in your listeners.
Musical Ability: 1
His first three albums all sold enough copies to make it into the Top 100, but the fact that only one of his singles, “(I Know I Got) Skillz” [sic], ever cracked the top zillion is suspicious. Due to his ability to kill me with one clubbing blow, I’m not alleging that Shaquille O’Neal is buying up his own albums to inflate sales and then forgetting to request his songs on the radio. However, until an inspection team searches his house with CD sniffing dogs, people more capable of surviving a Shaquille O’Neal attack may want to consider it a very likely possibility.
JOE PESCI
Album reviewed: Vincent Laguardia Gambini Sings Just for You (Clean Version)
Despite the fact that this is the only Joe Pesci album, the front of it is adorned with a sticker that assures consumers that yes, it is in fact the Joe Pesci album that includes “Yo Cousin Vinny.” If you’re familiar with this song, and be thankful you’re not, that’s as appealing as a sticker reading, “This CD is contaminated with an airborne ass disease.”
Sample Lyrics:
Sorry, I don’t care who you are or what you’ve done, there is no way that in your worst moment of confusion or rage that you ever did anything to deserve the punishment of hearing lyrics from this album. If the studio technician who recorded this monstrosity has not desperately scraped his or her own ears off with his or her own bare hands, then we’ve vastly underestimated the resilience of the human will.
Musical Ability: -3
If you were visiting a shark attack survivor in the hospital who had just had their face bitten off by a bear after an accident in the flesh-eating acid factory, and you played them Vincent Laguardia Gambini Sings Just for You (Clean Version), I’m confident that their dying words would be, “That CD you just put in is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.”
JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT
Album Reviewed: BareNaked
Jennifer’s fourth and most successful CD, BareNaked, peaked at #37, just one position away from her bra’s strap size. You might think that’s a useless observation, and you’d almost be right, but since the whole BareNaked thing is actually just some lame metaphorical description of her vulnerability in the album’s title track, I figured at least one of us should find a way to bring up the image of her luscious breasts since she couldn’t manage it during an entire four minute song named after a lack of clothes. Keep an eye out for her next album called I Just Slowly Took off my Tiny, Tiny Panties, describing the interpersonal struggles she goes through at church.
Sample Lyrics:
One passage that I found very powerful comes in the second verse of “Hey Everybody” where Jennifer says, “You’ve got it bad, weeell, she’s got it worse! And Don won’t shock me into thanking jumbo trees and Converse!” Due to the fact that that’s insane, I’ve left the possibility open that I’m not hearing her correctly.
Musical Ability: 2
Since JLH spent her childhood singing her way through friendship and milkshakes on the musical show Kids Incorporated, she’s an accomplished vocalist. She sings fluffy songs based on infantile notions of romance, but probably as well as anyone else could. And after seeing that piece of trash she was in called The Tuxedo, I’m sure the world would be a happier place if she stays focused on her music career. Bonus Footage: On the DVD version of the Tuxedo, there are a few outtakes of Jennifer Love Hewitt bursting into fits of giggling where Jackie Chan gets so pissed you’ll swear he’s about to kung fu her.
CHRIS BURKE
Album Reviewed: Singer With the Band, 1994
You may be shocked to learn that many of the handicapped people you see in movies or TV are in fact just award-winning Tom Hanks pretending to be retarded. Chris Burke, however, actually has Down Syndrome and although typecast as a character with Down Syndrome, he managed a successful television career as “Corky” from Life Goes On. His musical efforts weren’t as successful. I’m not a complete monster, so obviously his performance on the album is empoweringly heroic. But the studio musicians they attached to the project are so cheeseball, it’s like Corky’s singing along to an edited-for-content Cheerio’s jingle. And that’s during the rare occasion when they let him sing – this album should have been called Admiral Fruit and the Wuss Brigade Sing Songs to Punch Us in the Face To While You Wait for Corky to Come On Again.
Sample Lyrics:
In “Eating is Fun, Eating is Serious,” the non-Chris members of the band disclose both the pleasures and the dangers of eating when they sing, “Eating is fun, eating is serious! You eat too much you’re going to get delirious! You eat too little you’re going to disappearious! Eating is so, so serious!” It’s hard to imagine what it’s like for these people when they’re in a band with a retarded person, and (all rejoicing in harmony aside) they’re the part of the band that sucks.
Musical Ability: 3
The songs on this album might not have the biting social commentary of say, Joey Lawrence’s “I Like The Way (Kick Da Smoove Groove),” but they’re presented in such a lighthearted and lovable manner that even if your stoic appreciation for Corky’s brave positivity cracks and a laugh sneaks out, you’ll feel like you’re laughing with someone’s misfortunes, as opposed to at them, such as when Joey Lawrence likes the way we kick da smoove groove.
EDDIE MURPHY
Album Reviewed: So Happy
On a bet, Eddie Murphy recorded the song “Party All the Time” with Rick James. And to this day it is held up by intergalactic civilizations as Exhibit A in the case of Earth Must Be Destroyed. Yet not even the armada of Robozoid-controlled death guns pointed at our planet could keep Eddie Murphy from releasing two more albums of non-comedic music, the first of which, So Happy, is almost entirely songs about the listener having sex with Eddie Murphy. This was a tough transition to make. I’m not saying Eddie Murphy doesn’t look handsome in a bright blue skintight leather jumpsuit, but speaking as a man who also makes a lot of jokes about Mr. T and ass sex, it’s hard for ladies to take you seriously when you’re suddenly performing a song about what your tongue’s going to do to their cervix.
Sample Lyrics:
During his smooth romantic jam “Put Your Mouth on Me” Eddie screams, “I see you waaaaatchin’ me! My this ain’t no FAN-TA-SY! I know that you are what I need... put your mouth, put your mouth on me!” Amazingly, Eddie Murphy has recorded jokes about farting on his little brother’s head that set the night to romance better than this song.
Musical Ability: -2
We all should have enjoyed “Put Your Mouth on Me” while we could, because in 1993, he released Love’s Alright featuring the failed single “Whatsupwitu” that if used properly, more than tripled the FBI’s sonic warfare capabilities. It’s no coincidence that 1993 marked the last time we ever had to lay siege to a cult of entrenched lunatics. Because when the troops surrounding your compound have pressed repeat a few times on “Whatsupwitu,” it doesn’t matter what the magic comet is telling you to do, you’re going to come out and surrender.
SPECIAL SUPERSTAR SHOWDOWN
The Duke Boys vs. Miami Vice
CROCKETT!
Crockett released two albums showcasing his amazing former actor singing talents. And despite the fact that Don Johnson couldn’t hit a note if it was made out of cheeseburger and he was piloting a fat person, his 1986 debut, Heartbeat, sold over a million copies. Three years later, his second album, Let it Roll, stunned physics experts by actually losing money faster than light can travel. Some speculate that this is what enabled it to travel back in time to fight cavemen with Jack Palance’s 1970 record, Palance. Most mean words aside, though; Don’s video for “Heartbeat” is awesome. While he’s screeching about how hard he’s looking for a heeaaarrrtbeat, there are things exploding and guerilla soldiers shooting at helicopters so often that it almost distracts you from his voice’s criminal assault on your ears.
TUBBS!
Philip Michael Thomas, or “Tubbs” as he’s known to fleeing drug dealers in speedboats, also released two albums. However, he wasn’t as successful as his partner. His first single, “Just The Way I Planned It,” made it all the way to #75 on The Hot R&B/Hip-Hop Singles & Tracks in 1986, but let’s face it, back then you could get on the top half of that chart if you strangled a farting animal near a microphone and added a bass line. In fact, I think the Crash Test Dummies rapping about automobile safety beat him by 50 or 60 positions.
BO!
When he and his TV brother Luke were replaced with Coy and Vance, John Schneider didn’t need to worry because he was already established as a wildly talented country superstar. Please note: For that last sentence to be true, you have to remove all the adjectives and adverbs and replace the word “superstar” with “sexy moustache.” I understand that that’s just going to create a jumble of words that make no sexy moustache sense, but let me ask you this: does it make sense that in 1981, Bo Duke had a song in the top 15 of three different singles charts? And Bo didn’t stop his assault on our universe’s sense of order there – he released SEVEN more albums. I’d like to make a joke about how that could have happened, but if there exists a word capable of describing the kind of public that could create the demand for eight country albums performed by a Duke Boy, I probably wouldn’t be able to spell it anyway.
LUKE!
Tom Wopat may play a hillbilly, but he’s a classically trained theatric musical performer. And ignoring his relation to the legendary General Lee, he’s a pretty competent singer. However, no one’s ever going to forget that he was a Duke Boy, and the crossover between Dukes of Hazzard enthusiasts and the type of people who’d want to hear Tom’s jazzy showtune duet with Bernadette Peters is smaller than you might think. I’d estimate it’s comparable to the number you’d get by going to a production of Don Giovanni and counting the number of Stone Cold Steve Austin shirts. It’s almost as if Mr. Wopat’s classical training hurts him since it isn’t enough to make country music or showtunes tolerable to any living thing, and it takes away the just-trying-my-best charming ineptitude that Don Johnson and John Schneider have. And when you factor in how he doesn’t even have the greasy exposed chest hair that drove Philip Michael Thomas’ album into Billboard’s Top 800, it’s amazing that, as of press time, there are eight Tom Wopat albums.
The Dukes of Hazzard vs. Crockett and Tubbs - The Musical Talent Face Off!
In an actual fight, southern Florida law enforcement training would be no match for multiple generations of Hazzard County inbreeding. It goes without saying that after the sweetest car chase ever, Crockett’s Daytona Spyder would end up upside and slowly filling with water in a backwoods pond while Tubbs climbs out to shake his fist at the General Lee’s disappearing cloud of dust. And if I know Hazzard County, this is right about the time he’d comedically find a fish in his pants. But while an actual high-speed confrontation between Crockett & Tubbs and The Duke Boys would be an epic meeting of the words “kick” and “ass,” a Dukes of Hazzard/Miami Vice battle of the bands would be like a water balloon fight between little girls with no arms. Even if you could pick a clear winner, the award ceremony after a contest like that isn’t going to inspire any fought-back tears. That being said, Crockett and Tubbs, despite being less prolific, have a slight edge in the clash of action adventure buddies-turned-solo musical performers.
|
