People don’t usually follow the advice of the sexy. In my experience with sexy people, I’ve found that I’m usually too busy trying to get my thirty dollars worth out of the lapdance they’re giving me to listen to whatever inspirational advice they might be whispering in my ear. But thanks to science’s inability to invent books that can lapdance, a trip to my local bookstore showed me that many sexy people really are filled with motivational wisdom. And here are a few of the literary masterpieces that pass this wisdom from the sexy… to you.

POWERFUL INSPIRATIONS
Written by swimsuit model Kathy Ireland

I wasn’t very familiar with Miss Ireland’s work outside of her holding up a six pack of beer in a tiny bikini, but according to the sleeve of her own book, she’s incredible! She’s independent, strong-minded, the CEO of a billion dollar company, a talented actress, the creator of a Biblical-based plan to motivate busy moms, and it doesn’t say this, but it’s implied that she once dramatically rose out of a wheelchair to wrestle a polar bear attacking a group of orphans.

Sample Advice:
As Kathy Ireland said, “True self esteem comes from understanding our value to God.” To get a frighteningly accurate idea of what the rest of the book is like, multiply that line by several thousand. Kathy does sneak a lot of uninteresting autobiographical stories in, but they all at least try to advance the message of how Jesus Christ is her best friend. He, our Lord, was even there with Kathy while she was being fired as the sexy school nurse on Saved By The Bell because she “didn’t feel like she was connecting with her character.” I found this story so moving that I incorporated it into the ending of the only Christian poem I know, “Footprints”:

“Jesus, why during my most troubling times, is there only one set of footprints in the sand next to this sexy me-shaped crater?”

“My child, when you got fired from Saved By The Bell, I was laughing so hard I dropped you.”

Final Analysis:
Some readers might be offended and accuse my retelling of “Footprints” of being an insult to the original author, God. I’m not saying you’re one of those wusses, but if you are, send your hate mail to Kathy Ireland. It was her book that encouraged me to do it in the chapter “Powerful Changes.” She describes a game she plays with her daughter called “Empowering the Princesses” where she rewrites stories for her daughter so the princesses are no longer victims, but are capable of affecting positivity with their changes in attitude. For example, here’s her dramatic reworking of Snow White (I think): “Instead of allowing a stranger into her home and eating poisoned food from this person, the Princess uses her words and when that fails, she dials 9-1-1.” A classic reborn! Look for Kathy’s upcoming extra-empowering retelling of Joan of Arc where Ms. of Arc sternly demands that her army help with some of the housework.

VANNA SPEAKS
Written by Wheel of Fortune letter turner Vanna White

While literary critics have been, for years, trying to put into words what makes Vanna White such a tremendous author and sage, I think Vanna White herself put it best when she wrote a caption underneath a picture of her at a pep rally. “Being a cheerleader taught me the tools of my trade: how to smile and how to point.” This book is an exhaustive autobiography of this smiling pointer, from her pre-cheerleading days, to the days where she actually gained the ability to smile and point.

Sample Advice:
Since turning over giant letters as they light up is a competitive business, Vanna is very stingy with her advice. She obviously doesn’t want anyone using her own techniques against her, but she might take the secrecy too far. The reader often has to sit through twenty stories about Pat Sajak’s antics to learn that putting your mouth over your showerhead is a good way to clean your teeth. And let me save you the trouble of reading about all the beauty contests she entered. It’s a depressing series of losses and the only salvageable advice I took away from it was that rubbing vaseline on my lips and teeth is a good way to keep my mouth moist during a five-hour smile. But no amount of lubricant could keep me smiling when I saw the picture of her former lover, John Gibson, sprawled out on the hood of his sportscar next to the caption, “John took great pride in his car and got a kick out of its license plate.” Which, incidentally, was “2HOT4U.”

As reported in this magazine last month, Hulk Hogan’s rock/hip-hop/spoken word album, Hulk Rules, was a good example of how the artistic products of pro-wrestlers-turned-actors who then later turn into rap stars can go unappreciated by anyone without an inoperable case of Hulkamania. People look and say, “I have doubts that a genre-spanning musical tribute to lost innocence is inside the area of expertise of the man who defeated Macho Man in a steel cage.” Books by models-turned-authors have to overcome that same type of very, very justified prejudice, and the fact that this book was released in a world where there’s no such thing as VannaWhiteamania is yet another crutch kicked out from underneath it. It’s possible your eyeballs are probably going to argue that the fact they’re about to read is impossible: Vanna Speaks became a national New York Times bestseller. You’ve got two choices now. You can either continue to live in this universe with no reason or order, or you can relax and let your brain blank out the part it just learned.

Final Analysis:
During the rambling story of her life, Vanna offers very few ways to make your life better. It’s like a Vanna White trading card that goes on for 200 pages. It might actually make your life worse. For example, chapter seven offered no advice or motivation, but answered so many of the questions Vanna thought I had about the behind the scenes workings of Wheel of Fortune that I would now consider the Wheel of Fortune’s prize-claiming procedure and policies my main area of expertise. And that’s the kind of depression even suicide can’t solve.

REACH FOR A RAINBOW
Written by motivational humorist Ralph Showers

Ralph Showers didn’t start his career as a model, and his book isn’t a self-help guide. It’s the story of how both his hands were mangled in an accident and replaced by claws. Later, he started a ranch for the mentally retarded. You know, to be honest, I don’t know why I included this book at all. No matter how I figure it, it doesn’t make any sense.

Final Analysis:
The fact that I’m now including this image of the equally irrelevant book on tape version of the novelization of Jean Claude Van Damme’s Timecop as read by Timecop star Bruce McGill can only mean that Vanna White’s book broke something important in my skull.

A MODEL FOR A BETTER FUTURE
Written by supermodel Kim Alexis

The jacket of this book puts everything into perspective. “Amid the chaotic blare of moral confusion in our world, a clear, credible voice emerges – the voice of supermodel Kim Alexis.” The fact that this sentence was not followed immediately by fifteen lines of “hahahahahaha” indicates to me that it was written by a book jacket writing robot not programmed to recognize the funniest thing in the world.

Sample Advice:
The book contains a lot of generic motivation followed by varying degrees of exclamation points, but like Kathy Ireland’s book, at least 80 percent of it is tips on how to pray better. Hey wait... Kathy Ireland is a beautiful millionaire with a critically acclaimed book and a thriving company. And she did all this with the IQ of a half-eaten candy bar? No, I think I’m savvy enough to know a deal with the devil when I see one. Kathy’s fiendish devotion to Christianity is just an attempt at getting out of her contract. Kim Alexis, however, comes across as a pretty intelligent woman who just feels that God is testing her by making her a beautiful millionaire with a critically acclaimed book. In fact, she’s so smart she even found a way for prayer enthusiasts to get their theological phone calls through to God – her husband, hockey star Ron Duguay. You see, Kim found that she prays better with her husband, hockey star Ron Duguay, so on days when she really needs to talk to God, she goes to find Ron. Readers take note: According to my research, people calling God cannot substitute a fake Ron for this procedure.

Final Analysis:
Kim’s book is very personal and gives many examples of how her integrity got her through sinful situations. It really takes the reader to just outside the celebrity world of wild parties, sex and drugs where Kim Alexis likes to stand and complain about how immoral everything is. The main problem with the book is that most of her advice isn’t very accessible to someone not getting blowjobs tearing down the road in the fast lane of show business. I only wish that one day her moral example of not joining in a supermodel orgy in a hot tub filled with heroin is something I can choose to totally ignore.

NO EXCUSES: ANTONIO SABATO JR. WORKOUT FOR LIFE
Written by male supermodel Antonio Sabato Jr.

Everyone can understand how Tyra Banks, Kim Alexis, Christie Brinkley and Kathy Ireland got books published. I’ve pretended that women half as attractive as them were geniuses after hearing a ten-minute poem about their cats. Sexy men don’t get the same treatment. For example, when John Newlin, Editor-in-Chief of this magazine, reads me a poem about his cats, my critiques are stern and unforgiving. That’s why I knew that if Antonio Sabato Jr.’s book got published, it was going to be good. And holy shit was I right. It’s like 150 pages of high concept workout tips, only someone took out 100 of those pages and replaced them with pictures of Antonio Sabato Jr. doing karate! Imagine if half of The Great Gatsby was replaced with martial arts master and soap opera star Antonio Sabato Jr. with his shirt off, and you’re still nowhere near No Excuses. However, if you then took the part of The Great Gatsby that was still The Great Gatsby and replaced that with workout tips like, “Wear sunglasses in the gym to help remove distractions,” you’d have a book really close to No Excuses.

Sample Advice:
Antonio doesn’t focus on his life philosophies as much as the other sexy authors, but deconstructionists will probably argue that his workout tips are metaphors for man’s unwavering quest for understanding. There is so much to learn in this book. Don’t listen to music while you work out because you’ll start to rely on it, and you should only rely on yourself. Extensively interview all the people who apply to be your personal trainer. The erudition of this Calvin Klein model’s mind is truly staggering, and without the release of this book, the pressure of containing these revolutionary words of wisdom would have surely exploded his head, blasting chunks of chiseled good looks in all directions.

Final Analysis:
Antonio Sabato Jr. dedicated this book to his personal trainer and God. However, for those of you whose tears of inspiration are still refusing to flow down your cheek, his “most important” dedication went to... Batman. I’m not kidding. Batman beat out God, and that’s only one of the reasons I think Antonio Sabato Jr. is so cool.