As agreed upon by rad analysts, the ‘80s was the best decade for films. The comedies were actually funny, the stupid action movies were stupid in a GOOD way and any time a scene got slow a mannequin would spring to life or a dog would annoy Chuck Norris. This made compiling a list of the Ten Eightiest Movies as difficult as a parent picking their favorite child, only all their children are hilarious foreign exchange students and John Candy.

Media pundits argue back and forth over whether art affects or reflects society. The classic argument, of course, is, “Did the systematic breakdown of Soviet communism inspire Rocky IV, or did Rocky IV itself cause the fall of communism?” Obviously, this is a flawed question since Rocky can do anything, but it illustrates the difficulty in judging how ‘80s a movie is by its cultural influence. You see, Valley Girl, might have changed the way stupid girls talked for years, and could thus be considered an important period piece by bimbo historians. However, it’s still just a movie about speaking airhead dialect in a mall. That movie gets made every year. A true ‘80s movie is not about gagging people with spoons, Cabbage Patch Kids or A Flock of Seagulls. It’s about how incredibly insane you would look if you tried to remake it today.

10. Over the Top, 1987

This is THE arm wrestling movie. In the ‘80s, movie executives didn’t make a film about every single possible subject matter, but it wasn’t due to a lack of trying. “Gentlemen, have we done a picture about lawn darts yet? How about... C. Thomas Howell leads a group of teen lawn darters to save a... wildlife refuge. No, a salad bar. Speaking of bars, what if a robot entered the Olympics as a pole vaulter? Why am I phrasing that as a question? Make it happen.”

Over the Top is a movie about a father reconnecting with his lost son, losing him to his evil grandfather and then winning him back the only way he knows how: arm wrestling. Also, he wins a truck. And it’s a good thing he was the one who came in first, because a big rig and custody of Sylvester Stallone’s boy would be a pretty shitty prize for most people, arm wrestler or not.

During the film, while he was meeting his son halfway across the sky, in the fight of his life, “Hawk” showed that arm wrestling is in the heart, not the actual arm. The ‘80s were notorious for this type of nonsensical motivation, where the human spirit could keep your arm from being torn off by Mad Dog Madison. But in fairness to the decade, it was considered unusual for child custody cases to be decided by arm wrestling truck drivers.

9. The Last Dragon, 1985

A town’s martial arts movie theater is terrorized by Sho’nuff, The Shogun of Harlem, and his gang of karate warriors. The only one who can stop him is a young kung fu master, Bruce Leroy, who is seeking the enlightenment that will allow him to glow in the dark. Along the way, an evil record producer kidnaps the DJ he loves in order to force her to play his girlfriend’s video on... you know what? The plot to The Last Dragon is so beyond a verbal description that it’s impossible to summarize without a trampoline and backup dancers.

Historical fact: This film features the only cinematic sequence where a prisoner escapes from his or her bonds by dancing like a robot. That is, until someone at Hollywood finally reads my script for Houdini Breakbot vs. The Dallas Cowboys.

8. Breakin’, 1984

This is one of the first films that focused on break dancing and the troubled rec centers that surround it. It’s the story of Turbo and Ozone, played of course by Boogaloo Shrimp and Shabba-Doo, and the trials they go through to not only defeat the evil Electro-Rock breakers, but to be accepted by the established dance community. They’re helped along the way by Kelly, a classically trained dancer who embraces their savage street movements to recreate most of the second half of Flashdance. What made this movie so daring, though, is that it risked angering elitist ballet instructor villains of the world by having an ending where the group’s break dancing saves the community from socially intolerant oppression.

7. Rad, 1986

A corrupt corporation invades a small town to promote the ultimate in BMX racing: Helltrack. Local paperboy Cru Jones qualifies to compete in the event, but if the CEO of Mongoose Biking wants to maintain the profit margin on its BMX merchandising, he must not be allowed to win! To add even more drama, Cru crashes the big dance on a bike and upstages the choreographed dance number of the evil superstar BMX racers by seducing the evil female racer into slow dancing with him. She’s also on a bike, by the way.

Cru is too noble to promise to throw the race, so they keep him from competing by constantly adding new financial requirements to the Helltrack bylaws. These get ridiculous even by ‘80s standards when they get to, and I quote, “Helltrack bylaw 812.3 bravo.” It eventually becomes clear that he’ll never get into Helltrack without the whole community getting involved in an inspirational fundraiser set to hot music. But that would be crazy, right?

6. Gymkata, 1985

Gymkata is a combination of all the greatest movie plotlines in one. It’s an international race for control of the stars, but in order to achieve this, competitors have to win “The Game,” an outdoor obstacle course through ninjas and zombies that no one has lived through in, get this, 900 years! Maybe because they’re pretty sure he’s going to die anyway, the US government decides to send in a gymnast to whom they’ve taught karate for a couple weekends. This ends up being a great decision since all of his opponents come at him in perfectly symmetrical paired formations that can only be stopped with graceful flying splits.

As we’ve learned from all films ever made, whenever you have a special skill, it will eventually save your life, regardless of how impossibly stupid it is. And never has it been more stupid than in Gymkata. When the gymkata master arrives at The Village of the Damned along the obstacle course, there just happens to be a pommel horse in the center of the town’s zombies. The only problem is that they’re not really zombies, they’re a mob of malnourished insane people. And after five or six minutes of them taking turns sticking their faces into his whirlwind of gymnastic karate, the one-sidedness of it all will really get to you.

5. Disorderlies, 1987

The only way Winslow Lowry can pay off his gambling debts is to receive the inheritance from his father. And since just murdering him wouldn’t ensue any humorous mayhem, he hires the Fat Boys as orderlies, counting on their bumbling incompetence to kill his dad. And while it’s not unusual for fad musical performers to get thrown into ridiculous movies like this, it’s the only time a group of celebrities made their acting debuts as murder weapons.

I’m willing to accept that we all lived through a decade where three morbidly obese men making fart noises in Davey Crockett hats were considered talented musicians. It’ll make a funny story for our grandchildren. But when those grandkids find out we let a studio make a movie based on them without even attempting arson... well, we’re going to have a lot of explaining to do if we want to avoid becoming fuel for their grandpa-powered hover trucks.

4. The Toughest Man in the World, 1984

It’s as if this movie sprang directly from what is probably the awesomest place ever: Mr. T’s mind. Bruise Brubaker, played by Mr. T, is a bouncer who spends his spare time helping troubled kids at the youth center. As if I need to tell you, the city is threatening to close it down. Mr. T and the kids try a fund-raising carnival, but through a miracle of unexpected plot twists, it doesn’t work. He then goes to plan B: training to become the Toughest Man in the World while listening to rap music also performed by Mr. T. That sound you just heard was probably you having an orgasm. Oh, T’s plan works by the way. He totally becomes the Toughest Man in the World.

3. Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo, 1984

When are real estate developers going to learn that progress is no match for break dancing recreation centers? I honestly think that if the American Indians knew how to break dance, our boats would have been pop rocked away and we’d all be reading this from the pantaloon lacing festival in the Spanish countryside. Electric Boogaloo took all of the cultural intolerance of Breakin’ and threw that crap away, replacing it with dozens of more interesting ways to apply your breakin’. For example, when fighting a crew of armed villains, you can all make jerky electric movements at each other that simulate gang warfare, then judge, as a group, who won the battle.

The stars, Boogaloo Shrimp and Shibby Deebee (or whatever), never returned to do a third Breakin’, probably because the film’s producers froze them in stasis tubes to be thawed out in a future time when it would be really funny to watch them try to solve problems with break dancing.

2. Moonwalker, 1988

Moonwalker was made years before Michael was inventing new and exciting ways to kill babies from his hotel balcony, but make no mistake: He was still crazy. Moonwalker is a mix of music videos like “Leave Me Alone,” which demands you to not pay attention to him during his own movie, and “Man in the Mirror,” which demands you to cure world hunger. This comes off as a little hypocritical, since if you added up all the hush money that Michael’s paid to the parents of allegedly fondled children, he could have replaced Ethiopia with a 1,200-mile wide bowl of pudding.

The majority of the movie is an adventure where Joe Pesci hatches a diabolical scheme to give drugs to children and Michael has to stop him by turning into a car, a spaceship and a giant robot, all of which are so damn rad that you almost forget the man’s lost his mind and put himself in a movie about saving children as a spaceship. Almost.

1. Weekend at Bernie’s, 1989

Anyone with cable has probably seen and will see at least a few minutes of Weekend at Bernie’s every week for their entire life. It’s so a part of our culture that we don’t question it anymore. But imagine having never heard of Weekend at Bernie’s, and through the filter of a modern sense of irony, seeing a preview for it in the movie theater. “Hey, this looks sort of funny. I like these movies about partying at the beach... hold on... are those two dudes playing with a corpse? Oh my god – they’re dressing it up and taking it to the party with them. I hope it leaks something infectious onto their sick asses!”