However, since I only worked on the show for about nine months and was the showbiz equivalent of a water boy, Diamond had no recollection of me. I chose not to reveal our shared history until the end of the interview, because I wanted to get his candid response to a situation that occurred on the set of Saved by the Bell involving a fight Diamond had with fellow cast member, Spankee Rogers. To the best of my memory, Diamond pulled out a butterfly knife during the verbal skirmish with Spankee, but never attempted to strike his co-star with it. Now, take a moment to try to picture Screech threatening someone with a brass butterfly knife… Yes, it was as surreal and awesome as you can imagine. As you will soon learn, Mr. Diamond has a very different recollection of the altercation. Additionally, we’re forced by the laws of Hollywood to talk about his “music” career. In case I forgot to mention it earlier, Diamond now plays bass in the band Salty the Pocketknife (how ironic). They try to sound like Mr. Bungle meets Frank Zappa.

The Wave: If you were going to kill yourself, how would you do it?
Dustin Diamond: Hard to say. If I ever went, I’d want to go peacefully in my sleep. I don’t know. I wouldn’t want to plan my own death.

TW: Have you received any advice from Dennis Quaid or Bruce Willis on how to manage an acting and music career?
DD: No, no. In fact, I think what’s funny is that because this music isn’t Top 40 music, we really stand out from anyone that’s ever juggled both. And I’ve been in music longer than I’ve been in acting.

TW: How would you describe your band’s sound?
DD: Odd time, eclectic, it’s musician’s music. It’s stuff that people who know music can really appreciate. It’s not your cookie cutter, standard, predictable stuff.

TW: What are Salty the Pocketknife groupies like?
DD: Hard to say. On the outside, some of them look like people you’d see every day on the street. Some of them are really wacky and crazy looking, really individualistic and yet, when you talk to the people, usually they’re just laid back, normal, cool people.

TW: Do you have any awesome rockstar drug problems?
DD: No, no yet. But I’m young. Give me time. But seriously, that’s one of the things that’s funny – all these child stars grow up and they’re knockin’ over banks and they’re getting prostitutes and stuff – I’m, like, one of the only people I know that has managed to dodge all of that negative crap.

TW: Did you make enough cash on Saved by the Bell to be set for life?
DD: I don’t think you can ever make enough to be set for life. Well, I guess there are limits. In the billions, I guess. But instead of hording it, come up with something really creative to do with it, you know? Make a mark.

TW: The scope of your fame is quite astonishing. I was in Peru this past summer in a remote town and even a group of 12-year-old Peruvian girls knew who Screech was. Are you amazed, or even aware of, the global notoriety you have?
DD: Yeah, I’ve gotten letters from all over the world – Burma, Bangladesh, the Serengeti – it’s amazing the show had such an impact like that. It’s a testimony to the phenom that it was.

TW: What’s your favorite weapon?
DD: Favorite weapon? The sword was a very elegant weapon in the days of the samurai. You had honor and chivalry much like the knights, and yet even though it was a gruesome and horrific weapon, unlike guns, you didn’t have drive-bys and you couldn’t just pick one up and point it at someone, you actually had to have skill to take someone’s life. I think there were a lot fewer random deaths with swords. I could be wrong. I have no idea. But it just seems that way.

TW: Does Mario Lopez wear an excessive amount of tank tops in real life?
DD: No, but… I don’t know who’s worse with little boys, Mario or Michael Jackson.

TW: Wow, that’s a loaded statement. Anyway, you know, our paths have briefly crossed. I was a P.A. on Saved by the Bell: The New Class for a few episodes.
DD: Really?

TW: Really. I remember this one day when you got into a fight with Spankee Rogers. Do you remember that?
DD: Yeah.

TW: And you pulled out a butterfly knife and Spankee started saying, “Come on, bitch. Go ahead and cut me!”
DD: No, I didn’t pull a knife on him. I used to carry one of those Leatherman tools with the pliers and screwdrivers. Because I’m a bass player, it’s like my tech weapon, my need all/be all tool, and the thing was, he was just being annoying and hood-like. He was struttin’ around talking about —

TW: You guys almost got into it. You were saying, “Dude, I could have you fired!”
DD: The guy is so unappreciative. He comes riding in on a show that I was a part of and that I helped build, talking about how life sucks and everything else and I’m like, “Dude, you’re making thousands a week. Life sucks? What are you talking about?” So, what happened was, I told him off and he came around the corner and I had taken my knife out and was cutting up a piece of rope that I had spied and needed to use for some odd… I don’t know, I was always doing something, you know, to keep myself occupied. I was cutting a piece of rope and he comes around the corner when I turned around and he goes, “Oh, got a knife, huh? I suppose you think you’re tough.” He just started going off for the wrong reasons. I didn’t pull a knife on him. I mean, come on. The guy is four-foot-seven… Let’s put it this way, it’s the same as people out there who send you fan mail and get together with you – especially, there are a lot of girls that will do this, who try to hook up with you – then try to have your kid because they figure they’re going to get all this money from you, or there’s people that figure if they hang out with you, all of a sudden they’re going to be successes. I’ve had two or three stalkers in my life.

TW: Any good stories?
DD: There’s this one girl who follows me around to clubs in my stand-up career. I remember coming out of a club one day and this girl came up and told me she wanted to hang out and everything. She was real glassy-eyed, almost like she was on something, but she wasn’t. She was bluntly hitting on me. She later showed up to my hotel and started pounding on my door saying, “I know you’re in there, I know what you’re doing.” She slipped her number under the door. In the morning, I found a note saying, “You didn’t call me. You can’t treat people like this.” And I’m like, dude, I don’t even know this girl. A couple of weeks later she showed up at a show and I didn’t know if she had a gun or something. I come out of the club and she’s standing in the rain, just soaking wet like something out of a movie. She crosses the street breathing really heavy, gritting her teeth, just staring at me. She’s shown up to other gigs. Sometimes she’ll be nice, other times she’ll be crazy. I haven’t seen her in a while. It’s been a couple of years, but that doesn’t mean she’s gone. I’m hoping she’s found someone else to latch on to.

TW: Maybe she’s moved on to Urkel.
DD: I can only hope.