In 1998, Jesse “The Body” Ventura became the governor of Minnesota. In 1993, Hulk Hogan’s film Mr. Nanny changed the way we thought about super-strong babysitters. But to find the artistic work that truly cemented professional wrestlers as legitimate Renaissance men, you have to go back to 1987’s Piledriver: The Music Video.

Each of the songs featured on Piledriver was either performed by or conceptualized by wrestlers. And while there’s no need to explain the benefits of that to those educated in music theory, let me explain what that means to the rest of you: It means that the listener can be sure that someone involved in the creative process of each song can bend a steel bar in his or her teeth. And if I’m not mistaken, steel bar bending makes up nearly half of all award categories at the Grammys.

In case you’re not aware, a piledriver is when you turn the opposing wrestler upside down and drive him or her skull-first into the ground. This, the titular song of the Piledriver collection, is a powerful metaphor for how love can sometimes be like that. It’s performed by “The Bird Man” Koko B. Ware who is working on a construction site with other pro wrestlers. Why they’re all dressed like construction workers is another layer of mystery for wrestling music deconstructionists to discuss, but it might be because it allows Koko the opportunity to break things with a sledge hammer for dramatic emphasis during the song’s emotional climaxes.

Normally, when working with musical performers who were just recently pro wrestlers, it’s important to accommodate their vocal range. The writer of “Piledriver” forgot to do that. Eighty percent of this song is well beyond Mr. B. Ware’s capabilities, so to distract us from his cracking voice and missed notes, the other wrestlers perform construction-related antics. They viciously attack their foreman and cover him with cement and after he goes into the porta-potty with a dirty magazine, presumably to masturbate, they yank it off the ground with a forklift. And when they’re not ruining his life, they’re catcalling to sexy, half-naked women who decide to strut directly through the center of the construction site. The techniques the wrestlers use to let these women know that they do indeed want to have sex with them are all as unique and precious as the smile on a child, but the one that really stands out is Hulk Hogan seductively chomping down half a sandwich in one bite while one of them walks by. (See photo, below left)

Sample Lyrics: “Sometimes love! It sounds like a fight! It sounds like an argument! It sounds just like a PILEDRIVER!” This song really does illustrate the lighter side of domestic abuse. Unfortunately, I don’t think the authorities are going to buy it. “No, no officer. There’s no trouble here. Sometimes my love just SOUNDS like I’m driving her head into the floorboards!”

If you’re reading this from inside a building with running water that ISN’T a NASCAR arena, then chances are you’re not familiar with country rock. I’m certainly not, so it’s hard for me to say whether “Honky Tonk Man,” performed by Honky Tonk Man, is a musical triumph. It’s like asking me to review your theories of experimental physics on potential nanostructure development. I can spot where your ass jiggling doesn’t match the beat or where it’s obvious you’re not really playing the guitar, but that’s it. By the way, I spotted both of these phenomena in Honky Tonk Man’s “Honky Tonk Man.”

To support my developing theory of how this song sucks, the producer of the video comes on after it to announce that the crowd cheering Honky Tonk Man on was paid to do so, and that trick editing may have been used to make it look like he could dance. Truly, he is a rule-breaking villain even outside the ring.

Sample Lyrics: “I’m just a honky tonk man! I’m just a honky tonk man! I’m just a honky tonk man! I’m just a honky tonk man! I’m just a honky tonk man! I’m just a honky tonk man! I’m just a honky tonk man! I’m cool, I’m cocky, I’m bad!” Many musical biographies get bogged down in lengthy descriptions of eagle wings and the eagles they soar on, so it’s refreshing to see one with such a laser-like focus on what’s important – making it clear whether or not the subject is just a honky tonk man.

This is a vaguely wrestling-themed remake of the song “Rock and Roll Hoochie Koo” that takes wrestling- themed storytelling to new heights. Wrestling announcer Mean Gene is a guest for a middle school music appreciation class, but instead of teaching the children about classic symphonies, he rocks them the f*ck out of their desks! With a flash of rock and roll magic, he transforms himself into a full rock star complete with a blue wig and mirrored wrap-around glasses. Judging by his outfit, either the WWF costume department has finally lost their minds after years of designing XXXXL combat panties, or Mean Gene had just come from Miss Johnson’s third grade art class who had to transform him into a rock star using only simple construction paper and tin foil.

Sample Lyrics: “Rock and roll! Hoochie koo! Rock! And! Roll! Hoochie koo! Come on mama, light my fuse, LIGHT MY FUSE!” The song isn’t butchered any more than it would be by an average karaoke singer, and a guest appearance by Hulk Hogan playing imaginary bass keeps the video moving. The real star, however, is the teacher. She rocks so hard that she lets her hair down, spins around, and yanks her skirt up to show the class her underwear. This proves the old saying that rock and roll really changes the way people feel about the amount of panties that is appropriate to show nearby 12-year-olds.

This is a rock song about the drive and ambition of Andre the Giant to beat up every single person in the world with lots of clips of him doing it. The song is performed by company CEO Vince McMahon, who proves he is to rock and roll what hand grenades are to day care centers. The lyrics sound like they were copied verbatim from athletic-themed Hallmark cards and set to the sound of pots and pans falling down stairs. The fact that it’s combined with awesome footage of Andre the Giant single- handedly destroying the world is not nearly enough to even bring it to the level where it can be described by our insufficiently harsh Earth adjectives.

Sample Lyrics: “I never will be just an ordinary guy. I’ll always push harder, reachin’ for the sky! Stand Back! That’s a fact.”

With more than 20 WWF superstars singing together, this is like the “We Are The World” of the wrestling music industry. Only instead of helping the starving children of the world, this is a musical description of how much the WWF wrestlers are going to kick your ass. Don’t let that fool you, though. Sure, there’s a serious, debilitating beating coming your way, but this song is so upbeat and fun that you know you’ll be carried to the emergency room with a smile on your face.

Sample Lyrics: “If you only knew! What I’m gonna do to you! You’d be runnin’ out of here as fast as your feet could carry you! Your destiny! Belongs to me! If you only knew!” It starts with a lighthearted warning about the beating you’re about to get, but it gets a little too serious at the end. “Your destiny belongs to me,” isn’t something you say when you’re singing a happy song about hurting people. That’s something you say when you want to turn a confrontation into a duel to the death. Here, I’ll insert it into a typical bar fight situation and show you:

Drunk Guy A: “You spilled your beer on me!”
Drunk Guy B: “What are you going to do about it?”
Drunk Guy A: “Why don’t I take you outside and show you what I’ll do?”
Drunk Guy B: “Good! I can show your woman what a real man’s like!”
Drunk Guy A: “Your destiny belongs to me.”
Drunk Guy B: “I... whoa. Whoa, hold on, man. I didn’t know it was like that.”