According to the self-appointed genius philosopher Oscar Kiss Maerth, a Catholic priest and evolutionary theorist, intelligence can be eaten.

In his seminal 1971 work The Beginning Was the End, Maerth outlines a theory of evolution by which apes increased their intelligence by eating the brains of other apes. Unfortunately, the same brain-based diet also increased sex drive, aggression and even the size of the brain itself, until the hominid brain was too big for the cranium. The pressure slowly built up until we were transformed into psychopathic, hairless, SUV-driving apes.

While Maereth’s theory has been discounted (sorry, but you can’t transfer intelligence through digestion), it hasn’t stopped a host of entrepreneurs from marketing various pills, herbs and supplements as an easy means to a higher IQ, enhanced memory or undivided attention span. If you want to make yourself “more smarter,” someone is selling a capsule that promises to make it happen.

The long-term side effects of these loosely regulated products are mostly unknown. We aren’t doctors, and we’re not recommending them. So, if you do decide to try any of these, our advice would be to write down where you bought them so that you can remember where to return them if they don’t work.

Ginko Biloba
This herb’s reputation for improving memory and mental performance is based on its effectiveness as a circulatory tonic. Because it thins the blood, ginko biloba should be avoided by anyone using anti-coagulant medication. It’s also been known to sometimes cause headaches, mild stomach problems and allergic skin reactions. Those are symptoms you’re unlikely to forget… So, maybe it does work.

Ginseng
The Asian universal-solution-to-whatever-ails-you may increase alertness, energy and give you a boner. Asian (panax) ginseng is stronger than American ginseng, and both are superior to the less expensive Siberian ginseng. Some might want to avoid Korean ginseng, which various studies indicate can be high in lead and delicious pesticides.

Lecithin (Choline)
Lecithin is a phospholipid, a compound that contains both fatty acids and water-soluble material. It’s found in brain tissue, where it produces acetylcholine, a necessary neurotransmitter. Somehow the arguments for lecithin supplements improving brain performance seem eerily similar to those in favor of brain-cannibalism making you smarter. Most menus contain enough lecithin, but some vegetarians might want to supplement their diets. Good sources of lecithin include soybeans, eggs, beef liver, peanuts and Walgreens.

L-glutamine
Like lecithin, this is another neurotransmitter building block that’s naturally occurring in the body. It also allegedly speeds wound healing and prevents muscles from scavenging this resource from other muscles. L-glutamine is probably not toxic, even in large doses.

Arginine Pyroglutamate, Lysine, Acetyl-L-Carnitine (ALC)
More amino acid, neurotransmitter building blocks that some say stimulate brain metabolism and activity. Aside from replacing supplies of Human Growth Hormones that diminish with age, some feel that these drugs can also improve memory, especially in the elderly or those with diminished mental ability. However, the various claims seem a bit too imprecise and specious to drop $30 a month on these pills.

DMAE (dimethylaminoethanol)
DMAE, a nutrient found in anchovies and sardines, is believed to promote the production of the neurotransmitter acetylcholine, which enhances memory, attention span, concentration, moods and quality of sleep. Originally promoted as a treatment for attention deficit disorder, its side effects from long-term use are not entirely known. You should avoid DMAE if you suffer from epilepsy, convulsions or bipolar disorder. In some users, it may induce drowsiness or cognitive difficulty, i.e., the complete opposite of the desired effect.

NADH(nicotinamide adenine dinucleotide)
NADH is a coenzyme that is found in every cell of the body. It seems to stimulate the production of many different neurotransmitters, such as norepinephrine, serotonin and dopamine. It may be helpful in treating Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s Disease and End-Up-ism. NADH is more likely to cheer you up than it is to make you smarter, but at least it does not appear to be toxic in high doses or interfere with other medications. Food sources include the muscle tissue of fish, poultry and meat.

Vitamin E
“The E” is not a single compound, but a group of eight distinct compounds that are believed to have powerful anti-oxidative effects. This is a good thing, because the brain consumes a good deal of oxygen. In addition, vitamin E may prevent cognitive decline with age. So next time grandma mentions that she can’t believe The Depression isn’t over, you’ll know that she probably failed to eat enough nuts and seeds (the best natural sources of Vitamin E) in her youth.

DHEA (Dehydroepiandrosterone)
Though not necessarily a “smart drug,” DHEA is a steroid hormone manufactured by the adrenal gland. A chemical cousin of testosterone and estrogen, it is believed by some to decrease the effects of aging by forestalling cancer, even viruses. Some also claim it can increase sex drive. Among the commonly cited side-effects are acne, facial hair growth, aggression and menstrual irregularity. While DHEA may offer some of the same, many doctors are not only skeptical of many beneficial claims, but also caution that the effects in men and women could be very different (men generally have higher natural levels of DHEA). Monkeying around with hormones has potentially serious results, so use at your own risk.